Forwarded Email of the Day

by Elizabeth on February 29, 2008 · 72 comments

in Funny Stuff

I’m not sure that I quite believe the source of this letter, given that it’s full of British spelling, but it’s funny all the same!

This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.

PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best web mail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, Mr. Thatcher, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control, maniacal behaviour.

You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager male brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness – is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘ Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best, Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Not that I would know anything about the emotions she’s describing. Nope, not me.

No, siree.

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Lorena November 5, 2008 at 11:56 am

oh come on! some women do have pain and very intense periods, but others just use it as an excuse to be bitchy… it’s not that big a deal if you don’t make it a big deal… use some tampons and get some aspirin or whatever and that is it, come on!!!

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bone2pic November 5, 2008 at 10:19 pm

Or some Midol, YES!! That stuff is fanfrickintastic and I’d just like to say to who ever invented it, You Rock 🙂

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Obi November 6, 2008 at 2:50 pm

Beautiful! Completely beautiful! This completely made my day and I’ve stumbled it to everyone I know!

I hate to be an internet poster, but I have to. Christopher. You’re dumb.

Second, when I quit being an intense athlete several months ago, I started getting violently sick every month. Craps, headaches, heat flashes, cold flashes, moodswings, vomiting, dizzy spells, you name it, i had it. (not to mention the obvious Niagra Falls of blood flushing itself down my legs faster than I could ever hope to catch it.) It took three months to convince my mother that I really was feeling these symptoms (I wasn’t a “legal adult” at the time so I had to vomit all over my Calc II classroom in order to convince her) and I visited my doctor. He instantly understood my issue and gave me some great B.C. Granted, I was totally skeptical on having B.C. because I’m not one for taking medication unless if I need to…but my GOD it has helped me so much. I know it doesn’t help everyone, but I am so blessed that it has helped me. I have my life back!

So yes, the pill is awesome sometimes. But I totally want this Christopher dude, and all the other men out there, to realize that I am not taking it because I want to have sex. That’s something that guys need to remember. 50-75% of the time, we take this stuff to help give ourselves a break. What issue do they have that even marginally compares to a menstrual cycle? Morning wood? Bah!

There, i’m done!
<3 Obi!

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Jaylar November 7, 2008 at 12:42 pm

I suppose that when I was young and my period wasn’t
‘that bad’ I might of thought that other women were just
using it for an excuse.

Of course, then came the intense pain and the hemoraging.

If Christopher had come within spitting distance, or those
so called biological females who think we are putting on, when Aunt Flo was in control, I would not be responsible for my actions.

Having enjoyed menopause
and seeing young women with their bags
of pads or packs of tampons, whose face is
breaking out, and who have to lie down or are
doubled over in pain, I realise that if a man had
to suffer this, it would have been ‘cured’ long ago.

Periods are no joke and not happy. This isn’t losing
a table spoon of blood painlessly over five days, this
is losing a pint of blood that feels as if it is being torn
from your gut over three/four days.

I’ve had three kids with no medication, and some of
my cramps are as close to labour pains as one can
get. And I’ve lost so much blood I was anemic.

Not every women has painful periods, I didn’t until I
was 30. Not every woman loses a lot of blood; I know
women who can use a few sheets of toilet paper as
a napkin without much problem.

But a lot of us do have serious problems. And because of the mindcontrol where we were taught to put up with it, and suffer it silently, millions of women did so
and do so.

A happy period comes at the end of this sentence.

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JNK November 8, 2008 at 3:42 am

Are you people crazy?! Why are so many of you taking the slogan “Have a happy period” so personally? The slogan is being used for their product….not your “Aunt Flo”. Always thinks that if their product is better and easier to use, you wont be so pissy about everything, and maybe the fact that they modified it better so you wont leak 2 hours after inserting your tampon. They’re not saying that when you get your period, you should be happy, its simply saying “have a better period, cuz we’ve made our product easier and less of a hassel for you to use”. I’m sure most of you who ‘chimed in’ on this story were already on your period, and it made you feel better to bitch at eachother. Get over your bitchyness, people don’t really want to read about how you’re period is “the end of the world cuz it hurts so much”….if you don’t want a kid, a period is so much better! So, have a happy period!

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Deadpan Anne November 9, 2008 at 4:44 pm

JNK…obviously a guy…he clearly doesn’t understand that the letter author wasn’t even talking about tampons.

Anyone with a penis is wholly unqualified to comment about the menstrual experience. May those of you who dismiss the agony that is Aunt Flo have your eyes poked out by a raging woman in an Estrogen Storm, and the mess mopped up with a dry-weave maxi-pad.

I also must say that the poster “Moment” is heaping over with bad information. You can safely dismiss her warnings of hormonal doom as the bean sprout and soy-soaked ramblings of a yoga madwoman with a Dixie Cup in her vagina.

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Jaylar November 10, 2008 at 1:12 am

I absolutely adore Annie’s response. As with abortion/pregnancy/ no one with a penis is qualified to give opinions.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never trolled male web sites giving men advice and telling them how they are supposed to feel, think, act….

Guess we haven’t come very far when men still believe they have the right to tell us how we feel or should feel.

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LeAnn November 14, 2008 at 7:02 am

I don’t understand why the anyone feels the need to rip someone to pieces for wishing you a happy period. If you were having a particularly crappy day and I said “Good morning” would you tear me a new one, too? So just because YOU have bad periods, the rest of us have to act like it’s a curse too?
Excuse me if I don’t think they’re that bad.

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Jaylar November 15, 2008 at 8:06 am

Leann; the word is ‘insensitive’. Having a
Happy Period….

“Have a Happy Funeral.”

“Have a Happy Mastectomy”

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Cmore November 16, 2008 at 7:03 am

As far as the British spelling it could have been written from Canada, us Canuks share alot of the British spelling. I loved the letter tho, my girlfriend forwarded to me. She has a tough monthly but it gives me a chance to buy her flowers and take care of her every month. I’ve learned so much about the period on this page tho, thanks for all the good info everyone. I especially like the tea idea’s I’ll be sure to buy some for my girly. And just to piss all the woman on here off. I hope you all have a happy period. (jking)

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Shady February 22, 2009 at 11:47 pm

U idiots are jobless… Go do sumthing worthwile and let these bitches pour their bloody period emotions here….

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Elizabeth March 9, 2009 at 2:41 am

Happy victimhood, ladies
😛

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Sarah April 3, 2009 at 6:39 pm

I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy without a pad… Blood all over, no control… so a period with a pad/tampon to keep things in check for us, is a happier period than it could be. And I think that is what the slogan was suppose to mean. Don’t take things so seriously. It’s an ad!

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Sara August 21, 2009 at 9:44 am

Christopher:

You are retarded.

You have a penis. What the hell would you know about periods and birth control? Not a damn thing.

The only birth control method I know of that actually eliminates a woman’s period is the depo shot.. which is not in any way healthy. I tried it when I was young and naiive and ended up being on my rag for EIGHT MONTHS STRAIGHT! Yeah.. don’t get me started on that shit.

As for using birth control pills to regulate – yes they help. They help make the period lighter and more bearable as well. I’ve been much more comfortable than I used to be since beginning Marvelon. However.. it does NOT eliminate symptoms. I still spend 4 days a month bloated, cramped and miserable.

Once again, I just want to say fuck you, Christopher.

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Sunny757 August 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Sara, I feel you on that depo thing. Same thing happened to me. Tried birth control pills after that and they also kept me on the rag continuously.

I have never had a HAPPY period. There is nothing happy about it. It’s disgusting, painful and you can look forward to it every thirty days for approx. five days until you get old enough for menopause. What’s happy about that?

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walkergrl09 December 1, 2009 at 2:03 pm

I just want to say a couple of things. First, this letter was freakin hilarious!! I get that it was written in good fun and I’m sure the smart, mature people who read it understand that too, and only posted the comments because they can relate. You know the whole it’s funny because its true thing…

It seems that the only ones taking this seriously are the ones telling everyone to STOP taking it seriously! GEEZ! Lighten up.

FOr the record, I’m 28. I started my period when I was 8 and since the 5th grade they have been pure torture. I actually begged my doc for a hysterectomy when I was about 24, but was told I was too young. I dread my period every month. I have all symptoms named here and then some. Anemia so bad, I’ve been hospitalized, and had blood transfusions. My best friend- who can actually wear white when aunt flo is around, the lucky bitch- has been more sympathetic than anyone, even my doctors, and it really pisses me off that other women who commented can make such stupid, insensitive comments to other women. Whatever happened to solidarity? Just the fact that blood leaks out of your body makes you one of us, whether you like it or not. Can you honestly say you enjoy your time of the month?

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lauren November 3, 2010 at 2:38 am

when your sexually active every period is like a little present saying ” your not pregnant!!!!!”

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jaylar November 4, 2010 at 8:41 am

I guess I was lucky. Depo really worked for me. I was anemic. Used to have to get two shots A Week for B vit. deficiency. Was proscribed Codeine for the pain. I think as women we should pressure the med. community
to look at the issue. Something has to be done. Some way of stopping it, or lessening it to the extent that it isn’t that bad.

What the stupid commercial is saying is that the crappy pads…(btw…I used to have to wear two plus a tampon, get where I was going, change the tampon, change the pads…

The only ‘happy’ period is as Lauren mentioned…but that’s like one out of a thousand

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Skylier February 12, 2011 at 4:57 am

Though I take offense to being called and sick S&M freak, i agree with most of the rest of this.

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Karma April 29, 2011 at 3:07 am

hahaha hilarious, Pitty the Anally Retentive poops who don’t have period pain had to leave their negative comments.
I have been in a kink of laughter reading that!!!! I also think the majority of women out their can relate to the hormonal painstaking madness..
I’d rather have a horrid period and have a sense of humour and be able to laugh than be a knob with no Period Pain nor humour!!!!

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Dbakeca Italia November 11, 2013 at 9:34 pm

nice post

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Pks K November 27, 2013 at 10:23 pm

Awesome!!

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