Please, don’t thank me. Thank Lis.

I didn’t think it was fair to keep this to myself when it was emailed to me this morning.

Please raise your hand if you relate!

Twas the month after Christmas,
And all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
Not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled,
The chocolate I’d taste
At the holiday parties
Had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
There arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber),

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt…
I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter, disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie, not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore…
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.

Perhaps I should go for a run.

It’s the middle of the week, and two weeks into the new year the holiday euphoria has well and truly worn off. You don’t want to read anything deep and meaningful on a day like this, right?

So, here is a post full of funny pictures.

Brought to you by my mum, and the “forward” button in her hotmail inbox.

Are you wondering how to entertain your kids during the upcoming festive season? Nedroid has come to the rescue with this fun colouring activity!

Occasionally there are days when only Nedroid can make me laugh…

Loving this shirt from shirt.woot.com!

Tim sent this latest Pictures for Sad Children cartoon to me today, and I can’t imagine what made him think I would like it! Perhaps it was because our own dog was a miserable sack of sadness this morning when we left the house?

I have never known a creature to convey such depths of depression. In the picture below is the (obscured) face of a dog who is so depressed about one of his people leaving for the day, that he cannot even be bothered to shake off the cap that covers his head.

I don’t know how he copes with his terrible life. I hope you’ll spare him a thought.

In my head, Tim and I sound exactly like Freddie Mercury when we sing Bohemian Rhapsody on SingStar.

In reality, we probably sound much closer to the version above…

Thank you for the tip, Mama Mia!

Here’s one for the nerd lovebirds! Discovered at John Chow.

I think most of us can agree that Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart is one of the easiest songs to parody. I’ve written about this once before, upon discovering literal videos for the first time:

And now Jeannie of koufukuron has turned it into a flow chart!

(Click the image to open fullsize in a new window)

Jeannie also inspired the Hey Jude flow chart by Love All This:

The nerd in me loves this, so tell me if you spot any others!

Today I had a breakthrough. I realised that no matter what I do, my parents will continue to send email forwards to my inbox, complete with all the >>>>>>> characters you can imagine.

I have decided to stop fighting it.

However, part of the deal is that I share the bearable ones with you. Please enjoy a charming tale about a dog who can talk, courtesy of my dad!

A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house; ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.’

‘So I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog..

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit’

I know. I’m mad at me too.