Tim sent this latest Pictures for Sad Children cartoon to me today, and I can’t imagine what made him think I would like it! Perhaps it was because our own dog was a miserable sack of sadness this morning when we left the house?
I have never known a creature to convey such depths of depression. In the picture below is the (obscured) face of a dog who is so depressed about one of his people leaving for the day, that he cannot even be bothered to shake off the cap that covers his head.
I don’t know how he copes with his terrible life. I hope you’ll spare him a thought.
I think most of us can agree that Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart is one of the easiest songs to parody. I’ve written about this once before, upon discovering literal videos for the first time:
And now Jeannie of koufukuron has turned it into a flow chart!
(Click the image to open fullsize in a new window)
Jeannie also inspired the Hey Jude flow chart by Love All This:
The nerd in me loves this, so tell me if you spot any others!
Today I had a breakthrough. I realised that no matter what I do, my parents will continue to send email forwards to my inbox, complete with all the >>>>>>> characters you can imagine.
I have decided to stop fighting it.
However, part of the deal is that I share the bearable ones with you. Please enjoy a charming tale about a dog who can talk, courtesy of my dad!
A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house; ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.’
‘So I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog..
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit’
I discovered Christoph Niemann today, thanks to a link from the brilliant Information is Beautiful. These images were selected from a blog post he created for the New York Times on the complexity of sleep.
Click that link to read the whole series – it didn’t feel right to repost the whole thing here!
His Web site is christophniemann.com. Take a look at the rest of his portfolio there, including many covers of the New Yorker and the books he has written and illustrated.
I hate mosquitoes.
What with all that buzzing and itching, the hubbub they cause is disproportionate to the microdrop of blood they make away with. Besides, I am the world’s most formidable mosquito hunter. I have brought to justice every single mosquito that has ever attacked me (except when I spend nights in rooms with patterned wallpaper, which makes mosquito hunting impossible).
The second most wonderful thing about sleeping is the sensation of your cheek meeting the cool half of the pillow after you’ve turned from one side to the other. I found that it takes about 45 minutes for the other end to completely cool down again so the procedure can be repeated.
Winter is coming, and slipping into a cold bed is tough. But believe it or not, sometimes when I go to bed before my wife does, I will offer her the half that I have just warmed up.
I obviously love her very, very much.
Ross Horsley, author of My First Dictionary describes himself as “timid librarian by day… frenzied fan of gory slasher movies by night!”. His dictionary for depressives has been a source of constant amusement over the past few weeks, and I hope he never runs out of words to define.
Read more about the creator of this magnificant project at No Juan Here.
There are certain sounds that are guaranteed to make my dog howl. Any sort of woodwind instrument will do it, as will repeated high notes on the piano. And, of course, the word “sing”.
This morning I recorded him singing, thinking it would make for a funny blog post. However, it got a whole lot funnier when I played it back on my phone…
The Thursday night before Tim’s birthday I gave him an early present – a box with a shiny silver bow on top. Inside was a luggage tag, already printed with his name and address.
“You’re going to need this tomorrow”, I said.
The accompanying card held a photoshopped copy of our itinerary, the destination replaced with question marks. He spent the rest of the night trying to figure it out, naming various cities from Perth to Auckland, but didn’t even come close.
“You’re going to need your beanie,” said one member of my family helpfully. “And your snorkelling gear”, said another. We had way too much fun messing with his head, and eventually he gave up and went along for the ride.
It wasn’t easy getting up and going to work the next day, but I imagine it was even harder for Tim!
The next night my brother dropped us off at the airport, and it wasn’t until we checked in our luggage that Tim found out that we were headed for Adelaide. Once we boarded the plane Tim got out some comics to read, which made the next part of my plan even funnier. I waited for the plane to climb, and for the seatbelt sign to go off, before giving him his next present. I handed my iphone and played him this video:
(I think the 2.30 mark is my favourite point in the video…)
This masterpiece was created by DigiGifts, who make a bunch of other personalised movies too. Just between us, he nearly ended up in a Dora movie.
Anyway, Tim was forced to endure 27 minutes of his own sneering face on top of Spiderman’s body at forty thousand feet. It’s been a really long time since I have seen him laugh as hard as he did that night. We both had a good laugh at his expense, and by then it was time to start our descent.
Once we landed we picked up a hire car at the airport and drove the long way through Adelaide to our hotel. It was nearly midnight by the time we got to the Stamford Plaza, and after a long day at work we were both completely beat. We pretty much fell into bed, and I told Tim about the plan for the rest of the weekend. Adelaide was just the beginning.
After a luxurious sleep (and some yummy room service) we packed up the car as early as we could and headed towards Clare Valley – home to some of the best wine in the country. I’d done plenty of research about which wineries to hit, knowing that we had a very limited amount of time in which to see everything. Neither of us were able to take any time off work, so we really didn’t have much time to lose.
Skillogalee came highly recommended by a number of my workmates who know the area well. We were seated by a fabulous lady in her sixties who wore a plastic iced vo-vo on her blouse, and then treated us to an unforgettable meal. Afterwards we sampled some of their wine at the cellar door, and that’s when I found a new religion in the form of their liqueur muscat. It’s sweet and syrupy, and warms you from head to toe with liquid sultanas. Bliss.
We visited several more cellar doors that afternoon; Tim Adams and Kirrihill among them. We finished our day at Sevenhill, where I stocked up on more lovely liqueurs and tawny port.
By then, the last cellar door in Clare had closed. It was time to find our Bed & Breakfast, get some dinner and sleep off our wine-tasting brain haze. Chaff Mill Cottage was just a few short minutes away.
It was overkill for just one night, but would have been perfect to settle in to for a week. In future, when I had more time to work with, I’d consider staying there while I traipsed around Clare, Barossa Valley and the Adelaide Hills. It was very luxurious to be able to spread out in our little apartment and watch the ducks in the river below, but we really didn’t have time to take full advantage of the place.
Ah, technology. Somewhere in South Australia, on the side of a country road, Tim takes a birthday phonecall from his mum in Connecticut.
The next morning we slept in a little longer than planned, and had only a few hours to get back to Adelaide airport. Before leaving Clare we made time for one more winery, Jim Barry, where we bought another dozen bottles to ship home. By the time we left the valley we had bought 3.5 dozen bottles to ship home to us in Melbourne, plus a few strays packed away in our luggage. It was lots of fun to dig through the packages that arrived during the next week!
The weekend didn’t end there. When we arrived at Melbourne airport we found a coffee shop and sat with my brother and Dad while my brother waited for his flight back to Brisbane. Then Dad, Tim and I drove home to finish off the birthday festivities…
Remember the improv group that staged the Grand Central Station crowd-freeze? I had a browse through their other videos tonight, and discovered this little gem.
Watch the video, and immerse yourself in the journey of a girl in her search for a napkin. Or just enjoy the faces of the humourless spectators!
