Funny Stuff

I didn’t think it was fair to keep this to myself when it was emailed to me this morning.

Please raise your hand if you relate!

Twas the month after Christmas,
And all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
Not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled,
The chocolate I’d taste
At the holiday parties
Had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
There arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber),

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt…
I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter, disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie, not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore…
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.

Perhaps I should go for a run.

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It’s the middle of the week, and two weeks into the new year the holiday euphoria has well and truly worn off. You don’t want to read anything deep and meaningful on a day like this, right?

So, here is a post full of funny pictures.

Brought to you by my mum, and the “forward” button in her hotmail inbox.

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Today I had a breakthrough. I realised that no matter what I do, my parents will continue to send email forwards to my inbox, complete with all the >>>>>>> characters you can imagine.

I have decided to stop fighting it.

However, part of the deal is that I share the bearable ones with you. Please enjoy a charming tale about a dog who can talk, courtesy of my dad!

A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house; ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.’

‘So I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog..

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit’

I know. I’m mad at me too.

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